You can't play Hitler's harmonica.
You're driving his car.
Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth.
I'm not sucking on the dashboard.
I'm not getting his germs.
Dad, look what I found.
- Hey, where'd you get those?
- The floor. Look, I'm Mrs. Hitler.
All right, take those off right now.
Look at this, a lipstick.
Oh, it's dark.
That Eva Braun had style, didn't she?
- She was Hitler's girlfriend.
- Give us a kiss.
No, Bev, it's not funny. Come on, give me that.
- No, no, it's mine. - Give me that.
- Honey... - Oh, it got all over my hand.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T...
find out what it means to me, respect...
just a little bit... just a little bit... just...
Look at us go. We are zooming.
I told you. We're hauling ass.
We're hauling ass. All righty.
Guess what I got back there?
You just told me.
Ass. We're hauling ass.
No, no, that's just an expression.
It's a heart.
- A heart? - A human heart.
Some lucky bastard in El Paso is waiting for it.
Normally they put in on a plane
but you know the airport's all closed down, so...
You want to see it?
- See what?
- Look.
Are we allowed?
We'll just take a peek.
One peek. What could happen?
It's a heart. It needs fresh air.
It's been locked up in that cooler for 7 hours.
- Oopsy-daisy. - Oh, please!
I get it I get it.
- Don't step on it! - I think, I found it.
No, that's a caramel apple.
This is wrong. This is so wrong.
God is going to smote us.
We're going to get smote!
Come on, we're siphoning gas.
It's not a smoting offense.
Shouldn't be turning me on, should it?
Hi.
What are you doing?
17 cups of coffee.
I guess...
I guess that's it.
I guess not. Oh, honey, turn this thing off.
Son-of-a-bitch!
Damn, keep going!
- He's stopping
- Cause he knows not to mess with us.
Gotta wait! Too much wind!
Guys, Guys, Guys, I need you to move!
Hey, hey, what are you doing?!
Hey, man, what...?!
I know what I'm doing!
I'm coming to get you! Get back here!
I'll get him. I'm gonna get you, stupid hardware guy!
Go! Go! Go!
- Stand up. Grab the rope! - Give me rope
I'm going to get you!
Stand up! Ready? Grab it!
Missed it!
Dane! Dane, stop the car!
- Hang on, buddy! - Dane!
Please stop!
- Dane! - I got it! I got it!
Just hang on!
Dane! Stop!
Stop it
Blaine! Blaine!
Dane, the cows! Dane!
Shit.
Dane! Dane!
Help!
Give my key!
- What are you talking about?
- Give me back my key!
I got it. Yeah!
Blaine!
Blaine! It's me!
Dane!
Oh my god!
I thought...
I got the key.
How's it going, Captain?
So far, so good.
How about a pit stop?
Sorry. This is a one-way flight.
There's a bathroom in the back.
The latch is broken.
Anybody could just come in.
So what?
You ain't got nothing the other Lucies haven't seen already.
Not necessarily.
Please, will you stop screaming?
Damn!
Help me! Please help me!
Oh, shit.
Owen. Owen, what are you doing?
It's a flat tire, please stay on the bus.
- You are turning it the wrong way.
- I know what I'm doing.
- Get on the bus.
- Maybe we should check the oil.
Listen, wait, please!
I think you're supposed to change the air in the tires every 12,000 miles
- I can fix it. - Give me that!
Wait! No! That's the spare!
- We'll still catch it. - Try it! Try it!
No, no, no, turn it around.
Just turn it around.
Please be careful.
Wait, wait, wait, what is that?
It's a nickel.
Would you please put it in the bag?
Why don't you check over there.
Maybe it bounced.
I'm a dead man.
Don't worry, my friend, we will find the heart.
I have lost my heart many times before.
I make a joke.
To help you forget how screwed you are.
I don't think it got this far.
Let's check down by the road.
Oh, hello. A doggy.
Hello. Hello, there. Hello there.
He's a good doggy.
Come one, come on... fetch it.
Look at him go.
- Here, boy! - Doggy!
Good boy. Grab it!
- Really is a beautiful car. - Yeah.
- I mean, look at this mahogany. - Gorgeous.
- You just don't see that anymore, you know?
- No.
- I wonder what this is?
- Honey, careful, that's a cigarette lighter.
- No, I don't think they had those then. - Yes, they did.
- Oh, honey! Did you burn yourself? - Yeah.
- Oh, I told you. - Oh, God!
Oh, no, no, no, sorry.
My husband, he burned his finger, ma'am.
Yeah, he was pulling and then he was waving...
Bye! Bye! Not helping, not helping.
- Hi. - Hi.
I really like your dike... bike.
It's Nice.
Cut 'em off! Man in front!
Hey! What are you, nuts?!
Kids, stay down!
This thing wont go any faster!
Stop it! The headlights! The headlights!
Are you insane?! This is Hitler's car!
Honey, tell them what happened - - everything that happened.
And ask them to call the police... and a tow truck!
Hello.
Hello. Are you Harold?
Yes.
I'm Vicky.
Are you going to invite me in, Harry?
Or would you rather party out here in the hallway?
Please, come in.
Not too shabby.
Where are you from, Harry?
From here. Las Vegas.
Local boy makes good.
So, Harry, what can I do for you?
Okay, here's what I want.
First, we both get naked...
So far, so good.
Only we're wearing sailor hats.
And then...
we get into a Jacuzzi...
filled with Pepto-Bismol
And...
I clip your toenails.
And you shave my buttocks.
Pardon me?
Okay, naked, Jacuzzi, Pepto-Bismol...
toenails, shave my buttocks.
How much would it cost?
Geez, honey, you have quite an imagination.
How much would it cost?
Well, let's see.
A party like that...
3,000 dollars.
Okay, 3,000 dollars! Who has 3,000?
Carlton has 2,800. He's the closest.
Congratulations.
Well done. Good for you.
I think it's okay. What do you think?
What about those little holes?
- Are they bite marks? - No, no, no, no.
That's... that's how it was.
I'm pretty sure.
What am I doing?
I can't go to El Paso with this.
Look at it.
It's going to leak like a sieve.
The guy's going to be alive for like two minutes and then...
A drifter.
A drifter?
We... We find a drifter.
Kill him, cut out his heart.
Nobody's going to miss him, right?
I mean, he's a drifter.
He's an invisible man.
It's a perfect plan.
Mr. Zack, now you are giving me the freak-out.
Where... do... I find a drifter?
Enrico...
where did you say you were from?
Me? I am from Napoli.
And your family, they're back there?
No, no, my papa, he is dead.
And my Mama. All gone.
Any family? Kids?
No. No.
I am completely alone.
Why...
Why do you...
Look, a drifter. Let's kill him!
Son-of-a... Come back here!
Whatever, listen, sugar, you're not going anywhere today.
You got a crack in your radiator.
That's this big tank in front of this big engine.
Yeah, I know what a radiator is.
- Is there a place we can rent a car? - Albuquerque.
Okay, look, okay, we'll just have to patch it. A quick fix.
Patch it? Patch it with what?
Sand and tire sealant.
You mix the two together, it forms an adhesive.
It should last a couple of hours.
We have, 30 miles to go?
Darling, we don't have any sand.
Hello? We're in the desert!
We should've bought a squirrel.
Mother Mercy!
Where'd you come from? Car trouble?
Here, sit down.
You two look exhausted.
How long have ya'll been out there?
Here, have something to drink.
Gentlemen, members of the press...
What's going on?
Oh, a bunch of rocket scientists from L.A.
They're trying to break the land speed record.
Which is a unique combination of automotive and aerodynamic innovation.
The vehicle, which we call,
"Lightning Two" represents three years of R and D...
which was conducted at the California Institute of Technology.
The design team was led by professor Ken Freedman and Dr. Richard Kramer.
We believe that aerodynamically,
this is the most perfect vehicle ever designed.
The entire vehicle weighs less than eighteen hundred and fifty pounds.
The body is a one-piece Kevlar composite.
The wheels are solid billet aluminum.
And she's powered by twin JE-seventy-nne turbo jet engines.
The same engines that are in the F-Four Phantom Jet.
Are there any questions?
Mr. Calvert, what is the current land speed record?
That would be 742 miles per hour,
but we hope to have a new record today.
- Anyone else? - How much do you expect...
How do you start it?
Ah, good question.
There's a green lever to the left of the steering wheel in the cockpit...
which engages the primary thruster, igniting the JE...
740... 745...
Break the record.
They're gonna break the sound barrier!
Well, that's it...
I still don't think she's gonna hold.
What do we owe you?
- 500 bucks. - What?!
For what?! For 2 quarts of sealant?
No way, that's 20 bucks tops.
Yeah, okay, here's 40 dollars.
That's double what it's worth, okay? Come on, Nick, let's go.
Hold it.
Another little tool no mechanic should be without.
Alright, fine, fine.
Here's your 500 dollars.
But you know what, Billy Ray?
What goes around, comes around.
This is so un-Christian.
Un-Christian?
The good Lord don't like the way I conduct business...
Let him say something.
Let him give me a sign. Oh, Lord, I'm here and I'm listening!
Hello?
- Mach one! - We did it! We did it!
Well, Everybody okay?
You all right? Yeah?
Randy, you okay?
There's no Ink Inc.
- What? - There's no job.
Yeah.
It's a race. We're racing.
Donald St. Claire put 2 million dollars in a locker.
And I want to get there first.
I do not want to work at Home Depot!
Okay, people, back on the bus.
George, don't eat that.
Back on the bus. Come on, back on the bus.
Simon, put that down.
You too, back on the bus. Come on...
everyone! We don't want to miss dinner. It's macaroni night!
We came in the rocket car.
Oh, a rocket car.
Let's hear all about that on the bus.
All right, so we can still win...
but, we have to leave now.
All right? So, come on!
Dad,
it's been a living hell.
Yeah, but it's 2 million dollars.
It's a lifetime supply of hummus.
Okay. Okay.
I've been selfish. I understand.
I'm sorry. Really, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I almost got us killed
Hi, everybody. Missed me?
Hey.
Listen, just to show there are no hard feelings,
chocolate shakes all around!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm a little disappointed but I'm an adult.
So drink these up and then we'll return the Nazi-mobile...
we'll get that van fixed and then we'll go back to Vegas.
See David Cooperfield!
Okay, drink up, buddy.
Drink it up, honey.
Don't feel bad. It's not your fault.
We'll tell the company.
We won't let them fire you.
- I'm not a bus driver. - Don't say that.
No, I'm not. I'm not a bus driver.
Oh, you mustn't be so hard on yourself.
Hey everybody, who's the world's greatest bus driver?!
Owen! Owen! Owen!
No, no, listen, listen.
No! No! Shut up, you crazy Lucy bitches!
Shut up!
I am not a bus driver!
I do not work for the bus company!
All right? I needed a ride to New Mexico.
So I stole this uniform!
See this jacket? This is not my jacket!
Marty, remember the bus driver?
This is his shirt! I stole it!
And these pants, you think I'd wear these pants?!
These aren't my pants!
These are Marty's pants! I stole them!
I am not...
a bus driver!
You're not a real bus driver?
You lied to us!
He ruined our whole vacation!
Here they come.
They're almost within 50 miles.
It's the final lap. Mr. Grisham!
Now, the airport's back on line,
so I want you to take the Lear jet...
Scoot on down to Silver City
and give us the play-by-play from the finish line
Yes, sir.
Let's go back to Vegas.
Bye! Come on, wake up, wake up.
Bye, Bye. Wake up, wake up.
Third Reich's here, come on.
Come on. Get down. You wanna have a good life.
Okay, okay, think, think. SS in the parking lot.
Not good. Not good. Think.
They gonna be all right?
- I don't think there's room. - No.
This one's little.
- There it is! There it is! - Silver city. We're almost there.
Yeah!
There were two guys in there.
Where'd they go?
Hey, what are you doing?!
I have something for you.
Silver City. Next stop, Silver city.
Silver City? It is the finish line.
I made it! I made it!
The key. Where is the key?
Where is the key, my little baby?
- Excuse me? - I think I am touching it.
- Get away from him. - I can feel it. I can feel it.
- I'm calling a conductor! - I got it. I got it.
Wait! Wait! Come back! Don't leave me!
Come on! Come on, baby!
Giddy-up!
Come on! Baby! Just one more mile!
Just one mile! Come on!
Randy?
Hey, honey, how'd you sleep?
- Ah! Pass him. - I can't. We're too big.
There's Silver City! We're here!
Move!
- They stopped. - No.
They're moving. Look.
Come on, just let's go.
I can smell it.
"Daisy, Daisy...
give me your answer true..."
Hey! Hey! Stop the bus! Stop the bus!
We gotta get off!
Ladies, ladies, ladies. You know the rules.
We're not crazy, lady!
- We should've bought a squirrel. We didn't.
- Which is why we stole the rocket car.
We can still win! If you don't tell that driver to open that door...
I'm going to crush you like a cockroach in the night! Open the door!
Tell him!
- Open the door. - Let's go!
Yeah, thank you, bye.
It's Pollini.
Enrico Pollini on a train.
He just rolled into the station
Well, what do you know?
Rip Van Winkle pulled it off!
You gotta love a long shot.
It's here. It's here. It's here.
Here he comes.
- It's you. - He's holding the key.
And he's going to the locker.
Mr. Pollini, well done, sir.
And congratulations.
On behalf of Mr. Donald St. Claire,
the Venetian Hotel and Casino...
Mr. Grisham, is it over?
He's sleeping
Did I win?
Vicky. You let go of this bag.
Or I swear to God I'll report you to the Escort Service.
Mr. Grisham, what's going on?
The hooker. The hooker.
The hooker is taking the money.
- What hooker? - Vicky. From the hotel.
Pepto-Bismol?
Vicky, I told you to wait in the car!
What the hell is she doing there?
I brought her. I'm sorry, Mr. St. Claire.
She said she liked me.
I'm beginning to think she was only interested in the money!
Come with me.
All right.
So long, suckers!
The bus!
- You want to steal a bus?!
- Yes, I do.
My God, what have I done?!
Help! Somebody help me!
This thing's got a mind of its own!
- Finders keepers, pal. - That's mine.
I see it. I see it!
It means, it's a scratch. Nobody wins.
Bull shit. I'll tell you what it means.
It means we're going into extra innings
Carla, call the airport.
Tell them to get my other Lear ready.
Gordon, you stay here, keep your eye on the board.
Tell us where they're going.
Gentlemen, grab your drinks.
We're going to Silver City
Is that it?
That's it. Thank the pilot.
Tell him to level off.
All right, who had Mr. Kinichi?
It was me.
There it is.
It's coming down right there, look!
Where is it?
There it is.
- Get it! - Grab it!
Open it!
Now, that is one hell of an entrance.
It's Smash Mouth!
What's going on over here?
- What's this?
- Money.
- Jesus, how much is this?
- 2 million dollars.
2... 2 million...
...2 million dollars, everybody.
2 million dollars!
On the bus, we talked about it and...
...we decided to share all the money.
They're going to share all the money everybody!
Oh, man!
Let's give these guys some jackets.
Get the jackets, get the jackets over here.
So what's the story, man?
Are you guys some organization?
What's going on?
No, no, we just met this morning.
They just met this morning, everybody!
I almost didn't come along but then I met Tracy and...
well, great things happen all at once.
Oh, this is beautiful, this is beautiful.
Great things happen. I don't know.
We're gonna check the tote board right now
and see where we're at... Okay?
C'mon, baby, lit 'em up.
C'mon, baby...
No! No!
You don't understand...
Excuse me.
We work for Feed The Earth...
...and these are some of our children.
I don't know who you people are or...
...where you came from. But...
God bless you.
Tonight, you've given to these kids...
...and their brothers and sisters all over the world...
...more than money.
You have given them back their faith.
Their faith in the goodness of people.
She said, "You are just like the twelve disciples."
Thank you.
Forget it!
Look, all these other disciples can do whatever they want with their share...
- But this money is going home with us. - What?
Period. End of story.
Put the money in the bag, carrot.
You don't know me, man.
Come here.
I'm so proud of you giving away all your money.
Come on.
Duane...
No. No.
Momma is watching us from the mansion right now.
See what we do.
It's for starving children, Duane.
Do it for Mom.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen...
...I'd like to introduce the real star of tonight's show.
I can honestly say that none of us would be here if it wasn't for this man.
He's the man with the plan...
...Mr. Donald St. Claire!
One of the wealthiest men in the world.
Ladies and gentlemen... Mr. Donald St. Claire!
Put he camera on him!
There you go! Nice shot. There he is.
These men, they didn't have to be here tonight.
They could be out kicking back in the Riviera or in Vegas...
blowing their money on some meaningless idiotic bet.
They couldn't do that.
Not when there are children going to be hungry every night.
Isn't that right, fellas?
Whatever.
Mr. Donald St. Claire and his partners want you...
...and the millions of people watching at home...
...to know they plan to match whatever you raise tonight!
Dollar for dollar!
A matching fund, everybody!
Let's hit the phones out there and crank it up!
Because we're gonna feed the whole world tonight!
Somebody once told me the world is kinda roaming...
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shack and she was looking kind of dumb...
with her finger and a thumb in the shape of an 'L' on her forehead...
Thank you! Good night.